TDmonthly - Outdated Parenting Models 09/01/2025

Outdated Parenting Models: Traditional reward-and-punishment strategies, inspired by B.F. Skinner’s behavioral psychology experiments, are increasingly seen as ineffective and potentially harmful—especially for vulnerable children.
Neuroscience Insights: Advances in brain science show that children’s brains, particularly their prefrontal cortex (responsible for reasoning), are still developing. During stress, their ability to regulate emotions and make rational decisions is compromised.
Fight-or-Flight Response: When children feel threatened or overwhelmed, their nervous system activates a survival response. Punishing them in these moments doesn’t help them learn—it prolongs distress and misses a chance to teach emotional regulation.
Coregulation Over Discipline: Instead of reacting with punishment, adults should help children calm down through coregulation—syncing their own calm nervous system with the child’s. This creates a safe space for learning and emotional growth.
Curiosity Builds Connection: Being curious about a child’s behavior and emotional state fosters deeper understanding and connection. This approach helps children feel safe and supported, which is essential for behavioral change.

Practical Tips for Parents

Stay Grounded: Take a breath and pause before reacting.
Be Available: Offer emotional support during tough moments.
Hold Boundaries: Don’t give in, but help the child navigate disappointment.
Reflect Later: Once calm, discuss what happened and why.

Must Know:

Coregulation is all about helping children manage their emotions by lending them your calm, grounded presence. Here are some powerful, research-backed strategies parents can use to co-regulate effectively:

Calm Presence Techniques

Deep Breathing Together: Sit beside your child and breathe slowly and deeply. They’ll often begin to mirror your rhythm.
Low, Soothing Voice: Speak gently and get down to their eye level to signal safety and connection.
Squeezy Hugs: Gentle pressure on arms or legs can help regulate the nervous system.

Playful Engagement

“Blow Me Over” Game: Let your child blow on you and pretend to fall over dramatically. It’s playful and helps release tension.
Pillow Jump: Toss pillows on the floor and let them jump into them—great for releasing big energy safely.
Weather Drawing: Trace imaginary weather patterns on their back while describing a peaceful scene.

Emotional Literacy

Label Emotions: Help them name what they’re feeling—“It sounds like you’re really frustrated right now.”
Reflect Later: Once calm, revisit the moment together and talk about what happened and how they felt.

Sensory Soothers

Cold Washcloth: Place one on their face (and yours!) to cool down emotionally and physically.
Make Slime or Oobleck: Engaging in tactile play can be grounding and calming.

Connection Rituals

Eye Contact & Gentle Touch: These nonverbal cues reinforce safety and presence.
“I’m Here With You” Statements: Simple affirmations like “You’re safe” or “We’ll figure this out together” go a long way.

These strategies aren’t one-size-fits-all—some kids respond better to movement, others to quiet presence. The key is attunement: noticing what your child needs in the moment and offering your regulated self as a guide.

What coregulation strategies work best in school settings?

Coregulation strategies are especially powerful because they help students feel safe, understood, and ready to learn—even when emotions run high. Here are some of the most effective approaches educators use:

Emotion Awareness Tools

Feelings Thermometers: Visual scales (color-coded or numbered) help students identify and express their emotional intensity. Teachers guide students to recognize their feelings and model calming techniques like deep breathing.
Mood Check-Ins: Daily emotional check-ins using emojis, charts, or journals build emotional literacy and normalize self-awareness.

Calm Spaces & Sensory Supports

Calm Corners: Designated areas in the classroom with sensory tools (e.g., stress balls, fidget toys), mindfulness prompts, and breathing guides. These give students a safe place to regulate without leaving the room.
Sensory Breaks: Short, structured breaks with movement, quiet time, or tactile activities help students reset and return to learning.

Attuned Adult Responses

Modeling Regulation: Teachers use calm tones, steady body language, and intentional pauses to signal safety and co-regulate with students.
Responsive Listening: Instead of reacting to misbehavior, educators ask open-ended questions like “What’s going on for you right now?” to foster connection and understanding.

Restorative Practices

Circle Time: Regular group discussions build trust and give students space to share feelings and resolve conflicts collaboratively.
Repair Conversations: After a dysregulated moment, adults and students reflect together on what happened, how it felt, and what can be done differently next time.

Consistent Routines & Predictability

Visual Schedules: Help reduce anxiety by showing students what to expect.
Clear Transitions: Use countdowns, music cues, or movement to ease shifts between activities.

What are the benefits of using coregulation strategies?

Coregulation strategies offer a wide range of benefits for both children and caregivers, especially when it comes to emotional development, behavior management, and relationship building. Here's a breakdown of the key advantages:

For Children

Improved Emotional Regulation Children learn to manage big emotions like anger, fear, or frustration by experiencing calm, attuned responses from adults.
Stronger Brain Development Repeated experiences of emotional safety help wire the brain for self-regulation, especially in the developing prefrontal cortex.
Secure Attachment Consistent coregulation fosters trust and emotional security, forming the foundation for healthy relationships later in life.
Better Social Skills Kids who experience coregulation are more likely to develop empathy, cooperation, and conflict resolution abilities.
Academic Readiness Emotionally regulated children are better equipped to focus, learn, and engage in school settings.

For Parents & Caregivers

Reduced Power Struggles Responding with calm and connection instead of control leads to fewer behavioral escalations.
Greater Confidence Caregivers feel more empowered when they understand how to support emotional growth rather than just manage behavior.
Stronger Relationships Coregulation deepens the bond between adult and child, creating a more cooperative and respectful dynamic.
Lower Stress Levels When adults regulate themselves first, they model calm and reduce their own emotional exhaustion.

Long-Term Impact

Resilience Children who are co-regulated learn to bounce back from challenges more effectively.
Mental Health Early experiences of emotional safety and support are protective against anxiety, depression, and behavioral disorders later in life.